Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore: Unfamiliar Territory

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Toto, We're Not in Kansas Anymore: Unfamiliar Territory

When I left the Breast Imaging Center in Waco, TX,(April 2007)I couldn't believe what I had just gone through. It was a normal work day, sun was shining, but I had just had a biopsy done on my left breast for cancer. Surreal is the best way to explain what I felt. A normal day but I had done something very abnormal. Trying to fight back fear, tears and screaming, I kept telling myself it was all going to be nothing. I drank too much coffee, I'm older and breast tissue changes with age, or the favorite "All women get lumps during their monthly cycle".

During the drive home, I called one of my oldest and dearest friends, Lisa, and told her what was happening. She immediately said "God has healed you, it's not cancer". She has a strong faith and is a true believer and I needed to lean on someone who was strong.

I thought my faith was good. I believed and prayed. Read a little from time to time, but didn't really seek any further relationship with God. I really thought I was on solid ground, but somewhere in the far corners of my mind I was doubting God and our relationship.

I've heard it said if you have fear you don't have faith. (Actually you can read that scripture in the bible) Faith as small as a mustard seed can move a mountain. So I tried to have just a mustard seed of faith that when that call came, it would be good news.

I told the kids when we all got together for dinner one evening. I just came out with it, bold and blunt. It's kind a my style. :) I didn't want them to see my fear, but it was scary to tell them what had happened so far. It was all happening so fast and if I thought this was fast, it was going to really start spinning out of control!

April 23rd, 2007, I'm driving back to Killeen from Austin, TX. The sky was cloudy and we'd been having rain off and on all day. I was headed back to the office to do some paperwork from the sales calls I'd had that day. I was traveling down 195 into Killeen, when my phone rang. It was my doctor. Pulling over and sitting on the side of the road, she told me the biopsy had found malignant cancer cells. Funny, but you don't control where you get the news, it just finds you, and then it's out there in the universe.

Now I didn't sit there and start to cry, no I'd been made of tougher stuff than that, but I spewed forth questions. How big was the tumor? What were my options? Who do I go to now? I remember that doctor answering every question calmly and with as much information as she could give me. Tumor size undetermined until it is removed. Options would need to be discussed with the surgeon and she would make the referral. Sitting on the side of the road, I said "Make the appointment with the breast surgeon in Waco and lets get this thing out of me so I can go on with life". Well she complimented me for my "go getter" ambition but I was turning into a zombie.

I drove into Killeen, pretty much on auto pilot, and went into the office. I dropped my briefcase on my desk and walked into the general manager's office. I told my boss what was happening and he told me not to worry that the paper would help out and I wouldn't lose my job.

Looking back on this day, I have no idea why I told this person first. I wouldn't recommend this as the best, but I was traveling in unfamiliar territory. When I got up and left his office, I tried to work, but my face must of had the "zombie/fear" look in place. Before I left for the night, my zombie/fear expression planted firmly on my face, I had spewed my story to a few more people.

Let me say this, fear is a sneaky emotion. This fear was slow and insidious. It allowed me to function and trick myself, but really I was not operating in full mental capacity. And then fear found a friend, anger.